Warbirds

(2008) writ & dir: Kevin Gendreau; w/ Brian Krause, Jamie Mann, Tohoru Masamune. No skin; no gore.

Lady transport pilots of WW2 fly a B-29 (loaded with the A-bomb)! They crash-land on an island and use captured Zeros to dogfight with pterosaurs! The colonel in charge acts manly & stuff! The only excuse for a movie this weak-minded is that the target demographic was still in diapers… even then, it would insult their intelligence… hell, this flick insults the intelligence of the dinosaurs. The CG-work was well handled – even reaching above its budget in spots – but the rest was mostly expository close-ups and antique dialog. The script blatantly ignores common knowledge, common sense, and even common respect for its audience… and seems to take itself completely seriously. A rather embarrassing waste of time.

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Mega-Shark vs Giant Octopus

(2009) writ & dir: Ace Hannah (aka Jack Perez); w/ Deborah Gibson, Vic Chao, Lorenzo Lamas. No skin; no gore.

Two super-sized prehistoric beasties with jet-speed, steel skin and Hoover appetites thaw out from the ice and eat lots of stuff. What we have here is minimal effort for a paycheck – haphazard script, dialog that would demean the intelligence of a flatworm, science padding with test-tubes full of colored liquid, and effects scenes made from brief glimpses of cheap CGI and more mismatched stock footage than in any single film since the sixties. Mildly amusing due solely to its blatant disregard for competence.

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Island of the Fishmen

(1979 – Italy – aka Screamers) dir: Sergio Martino; w/ Barbara Bach, Claudio Cassinelli, Richard Johnson, (cameo for Joseph Cotten). No skin; no gore (gore content apparently varies with cut).

Some shipwrecked sailors find themselves on an island ruled by the usual sneering megalomaniac and some murderous fish-fiends, with a vague scent of Dr. Moreau over the whole thing. Despite some promise, it really turns out to be a rather dull tale, just barely fit for a lazy Sunday matinee. It’s rather a shame, since the fish-man costumes were actually quite good.

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Bottom Feeder

(2007 – Canada) writ & dir: Randy Daudlin; w/ Tom Sizemore, Wendy Anderson, Richard Fitzpatrick, Philip Akin. No skin; a bit o’ gore.

Hapless maintenance workers, deadly criminals, abandoned tunnels, and a medical experiment that got real hungry. Yup, it’s the ‘tunnels & toothy maw’ motif again. There is actually some quality work here, especially from the cast & the fx people. However, despite an attempt at a twist ending, this one delivers everything you would expect and nothing you might hope for. While not an embarrassment, it’s not really worth the plastic it’s printed on, either.

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