Mega-Python VS Gatoroid

(2011) dir: Mary Lambert; w/ Debbie Gibson, Tiffany, A. Martinez, (Micky Dolenz cameo). No skin; mild gore.
Thanks to a crazy environmentalist, the python problem in the Everglades gets supersized. Thanks to a crazy sheriff, the gators get super-dupersized. Then it’s just gargantuan reptiles versus everybody and only two crabby women and some dynamite can save us now. Apparently, the rehashed critters were not quite enough, so they threw in a cat-fight and a Monkee to try and hold our interest. It doesn’t work. Even by the standards of SyFy channel regurgitated drivel, this one is awfully weak– lukewarm script, bargain bin FX, and half-hearted attempts at humor. Give it a miss unless you just have to see Gibson & Tiffany in a cat-fight.

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Blue Demon

(2004) writ, prod & dir: Dan Grodnik; w/ Dedee Pfeiffer, Randall Batinkoff, Danny Woodburn, Jeff Fahey. No skin; almost no gore.

Here we are again at that secret government project involving genetically engineered super-sharks. Of course, the sharks prove too much to handle, but this time the west coast is only vaguely threatened by a few cheap CG sharks. This flick can only be summed up as Dorky – like that kid in school who was actually convinced he was funny. They do straight-up formula and try to make up for their weak budget and anemic script by forcing in a little campy humor. That only multiplies the dorkiness. This is the sort of movie that doesn’t even look good through beer-goggles. I’ll give a tip of the hat to the cast; they do struggle gamely to entertain the audience, but I’m afraid they just don’t have the chops to rescue this twaddle.

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Sharknado

(2013 ) dir: Anthony C. Ferrante; w/ Ian Ziering, Tara Reid, Cassie Scerbo, Jaason Simmons. No skin; a little gore.
Freak weather scoops up sharks (apparently of every species around the planet) and dumps them on California. They mix together the lamest clichés of the Disaster-movie with the lamest clichés of the Critter-flick, the sound recording sucks, and the special effects are weak. They approximate action with really tight edits and shaky camera work. They approximate plot with really tight edits and shaky camera work. The flick’s only saving grace is its sheer enthusiasm. It just gets dumber by the second, but at least it never slows down. There are hurricanes and tornadoes and floods and exploding cars. There are biting sharks and flying sharks and exploding sharks. They fight sharks with shotguns and chainsaws and helicopters and bombs and… more exploding cars. Regrettably, the filmmakers survived it all. There is some fun to be had here (at their expense), but a little brain lubrication would certainly help.

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Pig Hunt

(2008) dir: Jim Isaac; w/ Travis Aaron Wade, Tina Huang, Howard Johnson, Trevor Bullock. A little skin; a little gore.
Yup, the city-boy hunters and the inbred rednecks shoot at some pigs and then eventually get to shooting at each other. Then there are some completely fruitcake hippies, and then finally we get a gargantuan boar-snout (that’s really all we ever see of it) snorting around and being threatening. Okay, the cast is great and the production quality is generally quite good. But the flick spends most of its time pretending to be several other movies that did it better, and then pretends to have substance by tossing in some random violence (and snorting). It’s a scatterbrained effort that never settles down to one idea, doesn’t provide much plot, and worst of all, does not actually give us a rampaging piggy.

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Mega-Shark Versus Crocosaurus

(2010) dir: Christopher Douglas-Olen Ray; w/ Jaleel White, Gary Stretch, Sarah Lieving, Robert Picardo. No skin; no gore.
The Big Shark chases the Big Croc because… eggs! The nervous Navy Guy and the smelly Hunter Guy run around and yell a lot because… experts! This one fails to live up to its own low standards. It almost sorta makes sense for a while, but halfway in, the screenwriter goes stark staring mad. From that point, it’s reduced to a jumble of gibbering nonsense, extra scenes for random bit players, and nukes, volcanoes, and more running and yelling. Even the FX work is weak for this entry. Actually, this flick has the odor of a broken production; as if the plot were invented in the editing room long after everyone else had moved on with their lives. Even for Critter Flick fans, this one is a miss.

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Birdemic: Shock & Terror

(2010) writ & dir: James Nguyen; w/ Alan Bagh, Whitney Moore. No skin; a smidge of bad gore.

A nice young man meets a nice lady. They really seem to be having a nice time getting to know each other. A soundtrack that is purely dreadful, actors who can’t, a director who doesn’t, fx so bad they had to be done that way on purpose, and quite possibly the worst editing you will ever see. If you needed a movie to make fun of at your next party, this is your baby. Oh… and after an hour of pointless drivel, the eagles attack. It’s like The Birds – except these suckers explode. And poop acid. But they stop whenever it’s time for a preachy message on environmentalism. Woo… if you weren’t drinking at the start of this flick, you will be by the end of it.

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Sharktopus

(2010) dir: Declan O’Brien; w/ Kerem Bursin, Sara Malakul Lane, Eric Roberts, (cameo for Roger Corman). No skin; a little blood.

The Navy invents a hybrid shark/octopus as their latest secret weapon. Um… okay, that sounds like a government thing. Anyhow, critter escapes, blah, blah, blah, you know the drill. It swims, it growls, it walks, it eats a lot – Mexico gets some tourism shots. The flick does fulfill its formula, although a bit too faithfully. They try (unsuccessfully) to make up for the mediocrity with a high bikini count. Eh, it’s passably fun if you’re desperate for a Critter Flick.

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