Contagio

(2009) writ, music & dir: Steve Sessions; w/ Isabelle Stephen, Luc Bernier, Tim Tanner. Tidbit o’ skin; a little gore.

Some dull people walk around the woods and pretend to be “real” – suddenly, death gas from space! And government-cover-up guys start shooting! I can forgive the amateur actors (maybe even the accents); I could even forgive the home-movie production values… maybe even the dreadful photography. But this lame rip-off of Crazies is all stretch – there’s maybe ten minutes of movie here; the director makes a feature out of it by filming everything the characters do and having them do it really slow. Seriously – I watched damn near the whole thing at accelerated playback, and it still took way too damn long to do anything.

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Fireball

(2009, Thailand) dir: Thanakorn Pongsuwan; w/ Preeti Barameeanat, 9million Sam, Khanutra Chuchuaysuwan. Tidbit o’ skin; some blood.

Seeking the usual revenge stuff, our hero enters the underground world of Fireball, a sport that mixes basketball with MMA and the occasional lead pipe. It plays out pretty much as you would predict, except slower. The acting is rudimentary and tight edits substitute for actual fight choreography. There is some potential here, but none of it gets very far – pretty much a waste unless you’re desperate for some pit-brawling.

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The Beauties and the Beast

(1974) dir: Ray Nadeau; w/ Jean Gibson (aka Jacqueline Giroux), Uschi Digard, Marius Mazmanian. Lotsa skin; no gore.

Bigfoot wants women! …but not for sex, apparently. We get skinny-dipping, belly-bumping, and bad guys with guns… this is a rather random assortment of footage, not all of which belongs in the same movie. For those who don’t fall asleep, this flick delivers none of what is promised, and tries to make up for it with a couple of soft-porn scenes dominated by guy-butt. It might be amusing for someone who’s never seen nudity before, though.

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Dynamite Warrior

(2006 – Thailand) writ & dir: Chalerm Wongpim; w/ Dan Chupong, Leo Putt, Kanyapak Suwarakood. No skin, a little mild gore.

In Thailand’s ‘wild west’ period, bad buffalo rustlers made life hard for simple farmers – so an expert in fireworks and kickboxing must struggle valiantly against an inane script involving a bad wizard, a menstruating virgin, and a deranged tractor salesman. It’s a reasonably well crafted action-comedy, but the action depends on repeating the same knee-strikes over & over, while the comedy depends on… um, beer, I think. Still, it’s entertaining enough, if you don’t mind it being rather brain-damaged.

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