Jacqueline Hyde

(2005) writ & dir: Rolfe Kanefsky; w/ Gabriella Hall, Blythe Metz, Jeremy Ordaz. A little skin; a trifle o’ gore.

A plain young lady uses her grandfather’s formula to become a horny sexpot (and even tries both genders) – but soon, of course, the sexpot turns to rough sex… as in terminal. This flick has the budget and polish of an old daytime soap; however, it does have some moments and the cast is surprisingly good. Unfortunately, the dim photography, vacuous script, cheap psychedelic effects, and the inexplicably understated sex & violence render this thing not only forgettable but downright regrettable.

jacquelinehyde05

Advertisements

Mega-Piranha

(2010) writ & dir: Eric Forsberg; w/ Paul Logan, Tiffany, David Labiosa, Barry Williams. No skin; no gore.

Genetically modified piranha eat & grow & eat & grow and soon we have giant fish leaping out of the water to eat buildings – then they head for Florida where the tourists are juicier – then Navy divers shoot at them with underwater-guns. Yup, every bit as stupid as it sounds. The cartoony script, cheesy dialog and ridiculously exaggerated action do lend it some fun value – but dragging it back down again is some very ham-fisted directing (camera whoosh!) and the butt-ugliest special effects I’ve seen in a good long time. If you’re a real Critter Flick fan (with low standards), it can be passably entertaining – but avoid it if you’re hoping for anything resembling talent.

megapiranha10

Warbirds

(2008) writ & dir: Kevin Gendreau; w/ Brian Krause, Jamie Mann, Tohoru Masamune. No skin; no gore.

Lady transport pilots of WW2 fly a B-29 (loaded with the A-bomb)! They crash-land on an island and use captured Zeros to dogfight with pterosaurs! The colonel in charge acts manly & stuff! The only excuse for a movie this weak-minded is that the target demographic was still in diapers… even then, it would insult their intelligence… hell, this flick insults the intelligence of the dinosaurs. The CG-work was well handled – even reaching above its budget in spots – but the rest was mostly expository close-ups and antique dialog. The script blatantly ignores common knowledge, common sense, and even common respect for its audience… and seems to take itself completely seriously. A rather embarrassing waste of time.

warbirds08

Silent Scream

(1980) dir: Denny Harris; w/ Rebecca Balding, Yvonne De Carlo, Barbara Steele, Avery Schreiber, Cameron Mitchell. Teensy peek o’ skin, no gore.

Students take rooms at a creepy old boarding house… knife-stabbing motions… frowning cops… ooh, bondage! And, I’m afraid, a waste of a fine cast. It’s your basic slasher, although they do try to squeeze a bit of Psycho treatment into it. But the flick is apparently the result of as much re-shooting as shooting, and it looks it. The plot explains itself too quickly and too conveniently and in the end there are no surprises at all – only a bunch of padding and a few tepid kill scenes.

silentscream80_1